anne photography

anne photography
Beauty isn't about having a pretty face. It's about having a pretty mind, a pretty heart, and a pretty soul.

Martes, Marso 29, 2011

Gotta Go My Own Way


I gotta say what's on my mind
Something about us
Doesn't seem right these days

Life keeps getting in the way
Whenever we try, somehow the plan
Is always rearranged

It's so hard to say
But I've gotta do what's best for me
You'll be okay

I've go to move on and be who I am
I just don't belong here, I hope you understand
We might find a place in this world someday
But at least for now, I gotta go my own away

I'm leaving today
'Cause I gotta do what's best for me
You'll be okay

What about us?
What about everything we've been through?
What about trust?
You know I never wanted to crush you

And what about me?
What am I supposed to do?
I gotta leave but I'll miss you

 

Linggo, Marso 27, 2011

you're in my head



I wanna live on a heart shaped island


putting this puzzle together



    I’ve always been able to control everything, except for my heart, especially around you. When you walk into a room, there is no controlling that light-headed feeling along with a serious bout of butterflies. No matter how many times my head has tried to talk myself out of you, it seems to me, that love conquers all sorts of rationality.

    The womanizer, the guy I swore I’d never fall for, that is you. I didn’t want to be just another girl in your stable chock-full of women. But we have a deep friendship that runs past our sexual attraction to one another. That other night on the beach, I felt like you and I were best friends, yet the sexual tension could have been cut with a knife. I longed so much to just passionately kiss you, but I couldn’t for fear of the aftermath. Your persistence on the speed of the relationship last time messed up a lot of things. You proved not to be ready for any sort of serious commitment, and now you may be, but I’m far too afraid to ask. I want you and your heart so terribly bad, but my fear of rejection is crippling me.

    We’ve had our ups and down. I’ve convinced myself I hated you, I’ve convinced myself you didn’t care about me. I’ve told all my friends that you are a big idiot, a silly guy who I could do much better than, and they agree. But I always let you right back in. It is like you are the only person who I’ve ever given a key to my heart. You know my goals, my hopes, my fears, my struggles. I can try to hide them from you with my sharp words and short answers, but you are the only one who seems to be able to read the thoughts right behind my eyes. But with you, I never really know. Could your charm be deceiving me into thinking that you really care? That is what my head tells me, night after night. But when you remember my favorite book and my feelings and ask me about my family and tell me you believe in me, it is hard to think that you are just trying to sleep with me.

   Our run-around has gone on for over a year, and I just want us to be together. I think you are finally getting in a state where you can handle a relationship, and I don’t want anyone else. I can’t say I will wait for you, but my heart knows I will. I’m so afraid you will fall for someone else, but then when you call me to tell me silly stories my fears melt away.

   When I see you, the feelings are intensified even more. It is so hard for me to resist you, and I wonder if you feel the same way. And even if you do, I wonder if you are too afraid to do anything about it. A womanizer like you can’t possibly give his heart to just one girl, settle down, can he? I don’t know, but I would love to feel what a real relationship would be like with you. We both know it would work and be magical, but we are mutually afraid to fall.

    You are my puzzle. I can control every other aspect of my life, but my feelings for you never seem to dwindle. I just wish we could start putting this puzzle together.

You came into my life unexpectedly. I never thought that I would be feeling this way again. You make my days so great and brighten up my life once again.



I'm ready



It’s only been a day since I met you but I miss you already and I still cant stop thinking about our first date. It was awkward and clumsy and we didn’t have much to say. But I felt something. For a long time there hasn’t been a lurch in my stomach - and now its there again.

I stared into your eyes and I literally got lost in your gaze while we were talking. For a while there it seemed like all you did was to move your mouth without breathing a word. Nothing you said was going into my head because i was so enamored with how cute you are. Your face. Your face.

I don’t know where this is going. I haven’t the slightest clue about the real you but I like you with such vibrato with such intensity that its scaring me. Maybe all the unused feelings I had for the past year of being alone has been poured into you simply because there isn’t any other outlet. But that’s just me being logical. Being logical about feelings that are so illogical I laugh at myself because I find the entire concept of falling head over heels utter nonsense. It’s ridiculous.

Maybe its just lust but I think about your touch all the time. I think about holding you to sleep - about licking your tongue and tasting your lips.

You keep smiling. You smile and for the duration prior, during and after its like the world's a better place just because your lips curved. I don’t know why but somehow you're the answer to stagnation in my life right now. Nothing is going on. I’m just going through the motions and in a way you've given me reason to look forward to tomorrow again.

It scares me that I like you so much even though I barely know you. I desperately want to be a larger part of your life and I’d rather die than have nothing to talk about when we meet. Please be my shot at happiness. I’m ready this time.

A Beautiful Date

T



A DATE LOADED WITH PASSION AND ROMANCE FOR ALL THOSE WHO ARE EQUALLY PASSIONATE ABOUT LOVE.





We went to Gelatissismo :)












We went to SBARRO :)





















The first gift I received from him :)

All Because of YOU! :)

   When you first arrived, I thought you were just another girl, But over time you became much more, You became my whole world. I know that it has only, been but a few months, But somehow you have poisoned my mind, You have put me into a daze. I don't know how you've done it, This is all very confusing to me, But when I close my eyes, You are all I see. Even now as I write this poem, All because of you, I can't think of what to write, My tongue has become tied too! I don't know how to describe this feeling, I don't know what to say, The only thing I know, Is that you re perfect in every way. All because you came into my world, I no longer know what to say or do, All except these three little words, "I love you"




 He wrote this :) 

Sweet Valentine! :)



You're the one I love
The one that I adore
You're the only one I see
And I couldn't ask for more

Shades of pink and red
Flowers of white and blue
I don't need all these things
'cause all I want is you

And I hope that you'll believe
I wouldn't look for other girls
'cause the greatest gift of all
Would be to hear your voice

Early every mornin'
All these long late nights
Far into the afternoon
Only you can make it right

I wish I could be there with you
Just hold each other all night long
We'd steal a few sweet kisses
Nothing could go wrong

But I keep you in my heart
You're always on my mind
So think of me a while
And how our hands entwined

Being here today
I can't believe you're mine
So I want you to know
That you're my sweetest Valentine


I love you Annielyne May Amor Naquines. . ♥ :* :)

    This is an poem I got from my boyfriend this evening, and I wanted to share it with the world because I want them to know that true love really exists, it's not just something made up from movies and novels. It's real and it happens.

I'll always love you, no matter what

    Our first looks at each other, our first conversation, our first kiss. Our first text message and our first real talk. I'll never forget. Never forget the feelings and how perfect everything was. We could be awake and talk about everything until the next morning, we could talk in the cellphone for hours without having any words left to say and we could lay down for a very long time and just stare into each others eyes without saying anything. It was love. Real love.

    We became closer and closer and when i thought it couldn't be better he whispered the three most beautiful words in my ear. He whispered "I love you" with a tear in his eye and said that he never thought he could have this feelings for anyone. It was the best moment of my life. I was in love. Terrible in love.



    We talked about everything and we laughed, cried and did things together. That was life. You were life. You were the best boyfriend ever and everything would have been meaningless if you weren't in my life. I would go to the moon, travel round the world and count all the stars. Just for you.

    We were so equal you and me, but different at the same time. We had something that other people just could dream of.

      I'll never forget how you said I was beautiful when i looked the most terrible than ever. And I'll never forget how special you made me feel. You had girlfriends before but I was the only one you fell in love with and I was the only one you ever cared about.

     Every time I got a text message from you my heart stopped and every time I saw you called me I got a smile on my lips. You were mine.

     But things changed. I can't count the sleepless nights and how many tears that have fell down on my cheek. I can't count how many times my heart got in thousand pieces and when everything felt meaningless. I have been so loved by you, but you have hurt me so badly at the same time. I never thought we would come to this part in our relationship were we don't show any respect and neither can live with or without each other. But now we stand here and don't know what's right or wrong. The only thing I know is that I'll always love you, no matter what.

I love hugs



falling out of love


   When should you listen to your heart? When it screams at you to leave or when it pleads with you to stay?

   All I want is for him to look at me like he used to, like he couldn’t believe I chose him, couldn’t believe I loved him as much as he loved me. But he barely glances my way. Now his phone is glued to his hand, his eyes fixed on the television screen. He talks. He laughs. Just not with me. I asked if he still loves me; he says he does. I was too scared to ask if he was still in love with me. There is a difference, but only women seem to know it. A man in love can’t keep his hands off you, or his eyes. A man in love wants you near him. He wants to hear you laugh, wants to touch you, feel you underneath him, breathing hard as you make love. A man in love sees a life beyond the end of the football season, a life with his woman by his side.

But when you fall out of love, then what happens?

    There is pain, because I know. I know he can’t wait to get me out the door. I know he can’t stand the look of hurt on my face, but he stopped caring enough to make it better. I know that he doesn’t see forever anymore, now it’s just until next time.

But neither of us says anything. Why?

I’m scared because if either of us says it out loud then it’s really over, and until then I can always pretend. Hope. Maybe it’s all in my head. ..

Who is Annielyne May Amor Naquines?





Im usually the best at everything ... i strive for perfection. I am confident, authoritative, and aggressive. Im very intuitive and wise. I understand the world better than most people. I also have a very active imagination. i often get carried away with my thoughts, Im prone to a little paranoia and jealousy, I’ve tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get me excited... which can be a good or bad thing.

>im just ORDINARY and nothing that special. There's nothing i possess that you'll admire.
I have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. I don't stick with any one thing for very long. im humble and easy to mingle with. i love seeing happy people around me, it heightens my feeling of being welcomed in the peer.

>this girl goes by the name no other than MS. ANNIELYNE MAY AMOR NAQUINES - ALBIS such a long name to remember but the person to seek. 16 years of age. im now a college student and still has a long way to run. So I'd better get going.

>am a friendly, charming, and warm. I get along with almost everyone. I never talk to strangers just what exactly my mom always tells me way back when i was a child. I work hard not to rock the boat. My easy going attitude brings people together. At times, I can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, I pull it together. Im just relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow. Im light hearted and accepting.

>Everybody can try being me, but they can never outwit me
I don't get worked up easily. Well adjusted and incredibly happy,
many people wonder what is my secret to life is. Im also unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising. I may miss out by not settling down, but im too busy having fun to care.

>Im confident, self assured, and capable. Im not easily intimidated. I make my life out to be exactly how I want it. And ill knock down anyone who gets in my way! ( unsa man palag ?)Mostly i dislike haters, feelers, social climber, gold digger,(echosera). i still have much to learn. I am not what everybody wants, but im definitely what everyone needs.

>some people says that im well rounded, with a complete perspective on life yet many dreams on my life. I want to be a chef someday. be a flight attendant ( stewardess),be a manager, to have resorts owner, I have to strive hard to reach it all.

>At times, I can be a bit too serious. I tend to put too much pressure on myself.
im wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. Im always up to something! Carry on !

sa aking minamahal,




        Law of attraction itech, wag kang epal. Oo, ikaw. Ikaw na malapit nang dumating, gabay ni Manong para magbigay-kulay at kahulugan sa buhay ko. Oo, ang mga estudyante ko ang nagbibigay-kahulugan sa buhay ko ngayon, pero alam mo na ibig sabihin nun. Ang tagal mo, ah. Tatanga-tanga ka siguro, ano. Naliligaw ka ba? Pwede bang makinig ka kasi sa mga bulong ni Manong, para hindi ka naman nade-delay. Pero sige lang… humanda-handa ka lang. Tatadtarin natin ang isa’t isa ng pagmamahal.
Ay paksyet ang keso teka nangingilo ngipin ko nauutot yata ako.
        Pwede bang mag-request? Pwede bang mala-Jacob Black ang hotness mo? Mainam na kasi yung masarap sa mata yung laging nakikita, diba? Hayaan mo’t magpapaganda din ako (weh, utot).
Huy, galingan mo, ha. Gusto ko yung pag-dating mo, WITH A BANG! Yung makalaglag-underwear ba. Gusto ko din na maging honest at sincere ka. Gusto ko, loyal ka. Gusto ko, ikaw din yung tipo ng tao na naghahanap ng ‘Thiz iz really iz it!’ mo, tapos ako yun. Mala Rei Kashino ng ‘Mars’ na tipong sobrang gwapo at babaero noon, pero pag nakilala na ang ‘The One’ eh nuknukan ng loyal at lalim kung magmahal. O kaya ano.. Doumyouji Tsukasa ng ‘Hana Yori Dango’. Eh sa totoo lang, Doumyouji Tsukasa talaga ang tipo ko eh. As in. Super. Hahaha. Gwapo, mayaman, malakas ang dating. Higit sa lahat, tapat sa minamahal.  

       Gusto ko, ako naman yung malalaglag yung puso sa sobrang kilig. Gusto ko, ikaw naman yung mag-iisip ng isang libong paraan kung paano ipapakita at ipaparamdam sa akin na mahal mo ako at importante ako. Gusto ko, magbibigay ka ng bulaklak sa ordinaryong araw; tipong ipapa-deliver mo pa sa Faculty Room ng AMV. Walang okasyon, pero palaging may mga maliliit na bagay- kahit sulat lang o note, o maikling kiber sa scratch paper- basta nagpapahiwatig kung gaano mo ako kamahal. Gusto ko, ako naman ang papakiligin. Yung bonggang-bonggang pakiligan. Gusto ko, ako naman yung mamahalin ng sobra-sobra. Gusto ko ako naman yung malulunod sa pagmamahal, pero malaya pa rin ako.

       May tiwala ka sa akin. Malaya akong kumilos at maging totoo sa sarili ko, at gayun din ang kalayaan na ibibigay ko sa iyo. Malaya tayong maging magka-ibang tao, pero iisa ang tibok ng puso natin. Malaya tayong gawin ang mga bagay na makakapag-pasaya sa mga sarili natin, pero hindi natin sasagasaan ang isa’t isa. Susuportahan natin ang trip ng isa’t isa. Kung gusto kong tumalon sa bangin, tatalon ka kasama ko. Kung gusto mong kumain ng palaka, kakain ako kasama mo. Kung gusto mong manahimik at mag-isip, mananahimik tayo’t mag-iisip- magkasama man o magkahiwalay. Kung gusto kong pumunta ng tagaytay para mag-zipline, isasakay mo ako sa kotse mo’t magzi-zipline tayo, kahit na may pasok tayo pareho kinabukasan. Kung gusto mong uminom kasama mga kaibigan mo, ngingiti ako, sasabihan kang wag mag basag ng bote sa ulo ng may ulo, at sasabihan ka ng ‘have fun!’. Kung gusto kong pumunta sa Manila Bay at manahimik sa harap ng dagat para pakinggan ang hampas ng alon sa batuhan, sasamahan mo ako para dalawa tayong manonood ng sunset, o di kaya’y bubuo ng pangarap sa harap ng kalikasan.

       May oras ka para sa sarili mo, at may oras ako para sa sarili ko. May oras tayo para sa isa’t isa. May sarili kang utak at opinyon, at may sarili din ako. Mag-uusap tayo at magsasalo ng kanya-kanya nating kuro-kuro sa buhay-buhay. Minsan, hindi tayo sasang-ayon sa isa’t isa, at siguro kapag ganun, mag-aaway tayo’t gugustuhin kong basagin ang mukha mo sa salamin, pero gayunpaman, sa huli, magbabati tayo kasi nire-respeto natin ang opinyon at paniniwala ng isa’t isa.

       Ipaparamdam mo sa akin kung paano ang magkaroon ng sarili kong superhero. Lagi nalang kasing ako ang hero, ako ang nagliligtas, ako ang tumutulong, ako ang sasalo, ako ang magdadala. Oo, itutuloy ko pa rin ang pagiging superhero ng lahat ng mahal ko. Pero ikaw… ikaw ang superhero ko.
Sa tuwing malungkot ka, papatawanin kita. Kapag pakiramdam mo inaabandona ka na ng mundo, hahawakan ko ang kamay mo at ipaparamdam ko sa iyo na nandito lang ako sa tabi mo. Karamay at kaakibat mo sa lahat ng bagay. Kapag pinipigilan ko ang luha ko, babatukan mo ko, yayakapin mo ako, at sasabihin mo sa akin na hindi sa lahat ng oras ay kailangan kong maging malakas. Sasabihin mo sa akin na minsan, ayos lang kahit maging mahina ako. Ok lang kahit umiyak ako. Hindi ka magagalit kapag nabasa ng luha at sipon ang damit mo, basta yayakapin mo lang ako kahit na alam mong ayokong niyayakap ako pag umiiyak ako kasi lalo akong naiiyak. Kapag mainit ang ulo ko, gagawa ka ng ishtooopid na bagay para matawa ako. Maiintindihan mo na paminsan, sadyang bipolar lang ako’t mainitin ang ulo ko. Tatapatan mo din ang sarcasm ko ng sarili mong brand ng sarcasm. Lagi tayong magtatablahan, para masaya. Winner. Hindi tayo maguusap ng matino, laging pabalang, kasi FUN.

       May sarili akong kaibigan. Meron ka din. Pero gayunpaman, marunong tayo pareho makisama. Kung halimbawa dadalin mo ako sa club o bar, ok lang sa akin, kasi nandyan ka lang lagi sa tabi ko. Kung halimbawa naman dadalin kita sa yaoi convention, ok lang din sa iyo, basta’t may blindfold ka para hindi mo makikita ang mga litrato ng dalawang lalakeng nagbebembangan, at alam mo naman na gabay kita. Dadalin mo ako sa Enchanted Kingdom at maglalaro tayo doon na parang dalawang bata. Dadalin kita sa Anilao, at magiiscuba diving tayo doon, para maipakita ko sa iyo ang kakaibang mundo. Ang mundo sa ilalim ng dagat. Magpupunta tayo sa Star City, sa Boom na Boom, sa Museong Pambata, at sa Ocean Park. Mag-eenjoy tayo, kasi lagi tayong magkasama. 

        Tayo ang Number at Only One ng isa’t isa. Lagi tayong magte-text. Sun ka, kasi Sun ako’t nakalinya ako ng unli text. Kung sakaling iba ang network mo, bibili ka ng sun na sim, at magsu-subscribe sa My SuperPlans ng sun para unli din ang chikahan at biruan natin. Gusto ko sa tuwing umaga, ang una kong gagawin ay batiin ka ng ‘Good morning!’. Magiging good din ang morning ko kasi ang una kong mababasa ay text mo. Gusto ko ikaw din ang huli kong kausap bago ako matulog sa gabi, para sweet ang dreams. (shet ang keso naman nakanampoots lang eh). Iiwan ko ang cellphone ko lagi sa Faculty Room, pero pag break ko, makikita ko na nuknuuuukang dami mong text na iniwan sa telepono ko, lahat ma-keso, at lahat mapapangiti ako. Tipong mga nakakangilong message na parang pag nabasa ko eh gugustuhin kong basagin yung telepono ko kasi syet ang korni mo pero nakakatuwa kasi nakakakilig.
Ipapakilala mo ako sa pamilya mo, at aampunin nila ako. Ikaw naman, magiging tambay dito sa bahay, na tipong uutus-utusan ka na din ng nanay ko. Ipapakilala ko sa iyo ang minamahal kong mga estudyante, at ikaw ang magiging ‘Papa’ nila. Isasali mo ako sa retarded mong barkada, at ikaw din, ipapasok ko sa sintu-sinto kong barkada (since 12!).
Magiging mag best friend tayo. Susuportahan natin ang isa’t isa sa lahat ng oras. Papangalagaan ko ang pangarap mo, at bubuhayin mo ang akin. Maku-kwento natin ang lahat sa isa’t isa. Prangka tayo magsalita, at wala halos tinatago. Lahat, pwede nating pagkwentuhan at pagkabiruan. Ikaw ang tatayo na natitirang kalahati ng buhay ko (yung kalahati kasi si Buddy). Ako ang soul mate mo. Parang mag-barkada lang tayo. Magkaibigan tayo higit sa lahat, pero ang pagkakaibigan na ito ay papatungan ng matinding kilig, at malalim na pagmamahalan. Light lang, masaya, pero malalim ang samahan.

      Kahit na parang lagi tayong magkasama, magkakaroon tayo ng panahon para sa sarili natin. Buo tayo kahit magkahiwalay, pero powerful tayo pag pinagsama. Walang tatalo sa tandem natin. Tayo ang magiging proof na kahit na ni-leche tayo ng pag-ibig noon, pwede parin bumangon, basta’t nakilala at tinanggap na ang ‘The One’.
Gusto ko, pag tanda natin, magkatabi tayong uupo sa rocking chair sa harap ng dagat. Sabay tayong manonood ng sunset, tapos magkahawak ang kamay natin, tapos magre-reminisce tayo tungkol sa mga taong nagdaan. Gusto ko pag tanda natin, cool pa rin tayo. Lagi pa rin tayong magbabangasan ng pabiro, at lagi parin natin papatawanin ang isa’t isa. Pag may rayuma ako, kukuhanan mo ako ng kumot tapos itatalukbong sa giniginaw kong mga hita’t binti. Pag ikaw naman nawalan ng ngipin, lagi kitang lulutuan ng mashed potato, mashed carrots, mashed corn, mashed corned beef, mashed sardinas, mashed corned tuna, mashed ma-ling, at lahat ng pwedeng i-mash. Gusto ko, may sarili tayong forever. Mga singsing sa sobrang kupas na, dahil sa tagal ng panahon. Gayunpaman, kahit wala na ang kinang, ok lang. Alam kasi natin na madaming pinagdaanan ang singsing. Parang tayong dalawa lang.

       Alam ko na kung bakit sa kabila ng lahat ng binigay ko, sakripisyo ko, lahat ng pakulo na naisip ko para magpa-kilig, at sa kabila ng lahat ng pagmamahal na inalay ko, kinuha parin siya sa akin ng tadhana at langit. Alam ko na kung bakit nagkahiwalay kami. Mali kasi kami. Mali kasi siya para sa akin. Kulang-kulang siya, at sobra-sobra ako. Hindi patas. Hindi pwedeng ako ang magpuno sa kanya. Mali yun. Dapat pag nagkasama ang dalawang tao, parehong puno, parehong buo. Hindi pwedeng hindi patas, kaya mali kami para sa isa’t isa. Ikaw kasi ang para sa akin. Ikaw ang tama. Ikaw ang ‘The One’.

      Super makapangyarihan si Manong. Siya ang magdadala sa iyo sa akin. Hindi na ako bibili, ha. Ikaw naman ang bibili sa akin. Basta, alagaan mo ako, kasi ako, alam ko na kung paano ako magmahal at mag-alaga. Mamahalin din kita ng sobra-sobra, para patas tayo.

      Alam mo, sinira ng ungas yung puso ko, pero pinipili ko na buuhin ito, para sa iyo. Gusto ko diba, maayos ako pag nagkita tayo. Kasi ikaw din, siguro kaya ang tagal mo kasi tanga ka joke kasi inaayos mo pa din yung sarili jmo. Basta, tara. Punta ka na dito. Bilin mo na ‘ko. Magkita na tayo. Basta pag binulungan ka ni Bro, sunod ka lang ha. Ako, nandito, nag-eenjoy sa tabi ni Manong. Nangte-terrorize ako ng mga customer bago ko sila tulungan.

Excited na akong makilala at makasama ka.
Excited na akong simulan ang bagong kwento ko na ikaw ang kasama ko.
Ang kwentong ito, alam ko, ito na ang pinakamaganda, at pinakamalupit na love story ever ever forever and ever.
Para masabi na natin sa wakas, na ‘we lived happily ever after’.

For mom





How many times have I betrayed you? There are betrayals in battle that are infinitesimal compared to my betrayals of you.
I pushed off, away, and against. What was not broken, I destroyed. What you did not care to know, I found out.

You let me. Other times you didn’t let me go easily and I would fight. Sometimes I would get so angry I wouldn’t be able to remember what I said. Then I would leave. Sometimes I wouldn’t come back.

One time, I left and got really lost, in more ways than one. I couldn’t get out of bed. I stayed there in the dark for days. Was it the third day that you opened my door and sat down on my bed? I couldn’t get the words out from inside (I’m lost).

I filled the aching void with tears instead. You cried too.

Get up, you said softly, tears running down your cheeks and wetting my hands. This isn’t you. It’s time to get up.

You didn’t open the window, and you closed the door when you left a minute later.
I lay there, in the darkness. All my darkness.

I was lost, too close to that precipice.

I came upstairs a few hours later, still lost. I think you knew that.

That day you came down into my room, I realized that down in my room, the only one who remembered me was you. That was the year I didn’t know my own reflection in a mirror. That was the year only you found what I had lost.

I remember the day the fog lifted. I was back. I was also almost eight thousand miles away, living in an ancient English castle. I had fled there to find myself, and when I did I realized you’d never once lost me. You were just waiting until I found what you’d known all along. Thank you for waiting, for guarding, for keeping.

I quit running to the unknown after that day. The problem with running towards the void is that it’s incredibly likely you’ll get consumed by all of the uncertainty of the unknown.
I realize that now.

It’s your birthday today. I sat down intending to write something that could somehow express just how much I love you. Instead, I ended up overwhelmed by just how much you love me.

This is the first part of what I know.
Love is a species of flame.

And although all the rest of what I do not know cries out to me (and I must go and know it) I need you to understand—you are my North star. My touchstone. The origin from which I run.

Ultimately, I am always journeying back to you.

Until you found me


three words


I  love you.

Words demand explanation. They require analysis. They are the construction and expression of my thoughts. Of my heart. But they can't describe it. They can't describe any of it. They can't tell you how deep the memories are, or how often I think of them. They can't scream what I really want to say. They are the mask of how I really feel and they try to disguise the pain, but someone will strip it away. And someone will make those words worthless.

So what is a word worth? Nothing. What are three words worth? Nothing. But we say them anyway, because you know. You know, more than anyone what they mean. You know when I say I love you, I really mean that those three words can't describe what it is we have. When I say you're amazing, I know the word is just a cover; a quick way for me to remember all the things that amaze me about you, a mask for the memories we share, a disguised version of our adventures together. And I really believe that you know, when I say I miss you, it's not just that. I miss you every moment, and I miss just what your name means to me. It means an alphabet of sounds and letters and words. But none of them really mean anything, because words are based on trust, they rely on how truly and deeply we feel. Remember, always, that they don't mean anything, they are letters and they are constructions, but we deconstruct them every day and we twist them; we manipulate them so that they say what we want them to. But no word, no shape, no photograph could ever twist so far that it could begin to explain even a little bit of how I feel.

like I do


the way I miss you



 It's hard to miss you every day and when we're on the phone it's just a reminder that we can't get close enough but every time I go home or come with you I love to feel overwhelmed by your presence and just soak in every moment until the one where we must say good bye. I know we are bigger than this and though it is tough at times, we will figure it out and until we can live together someday I hope we continue to enjoy every aspect of each other in any way we can. . I can't wait to hold you tight and kiss you with all of my built-up affection. Thank you for trusting me and thank you for being trustworthy. I couldn't see myself missing anyone else the way I miss you. You are so deeply loved.

what hurts you, hurts me


this is me moving on



I'm writing you to tell you that I'm moving on. Which may or may not mean anything to you, but honestly that is beside the point. Writing this letter to you is more for my sake, and pretty much has less to do with you receiving it and more about me writing it. You see I am a true master at not dealing with things. I'm sure you could see that, I'm not fooling anyone so I'm not going to fool myself anymore. I push all the hurts and the scars and the less than lovely things into deep recesses in my mind to forget about. That is until something small and insignificant arises that reminds me of whatever it is tucked away into those neat little boxes in my mind turning me into a complete mess once again. I can never move forward because of this. You once said you wanted to see me fly. In order to do that I have to deal with all the shit that's weighing me down and keeping my feet from leaving the ground.

I have the chance to be with someone good. Someone who is genuine and has the time and patience to deal with a girl like me. Someone who I believe I can open up to, and not use whatever I say against me. I've realized that I need to learn to love the things that are good for me, and he might very well be one of those things. So in order to not fuck up this beautiful opportunity for happiness, I need to deal with us. Here I go...

I do not know why I feel attached to you. It's not like we were together very long. And it's not like we were even together. maybe it was the first night with you. Perhaps it was riding on a motorcycle for the first time. Or walking through the darkness to the waterfall. Or you scooping me up in your arms and that first kiss. Or maybe, just maybe, it was the fact that I did not feel afraid at all with you. You spent that whole night with me on my tiny uncomfortable couch, and in the weeks to come I would memorize the sound of you breathing. And when you talked in your sleep and it sounded like "I love you." which made me laugh. Mainly because I knew that's not what you said. It was probably just gibberish, but it made me wonder if perhaps I would want you to tell me those words in the future. I never thought that we would top that first date. And for a while we didn't come close. Until that night you showed up on my doorstep without warning because you knew my heart was breaking. And you sat with me outside and let me cry and didn't force me to talk because you knew I wasn't quite ready yet.

I think that was when I unconsciously gave you my heart. Because it wasn't about us, it was about me and my brokenness, it was about the well being of my soul and you cared about that. That's what made you different than the others. I tried to tell myself that you used me. Because I know how to deal with liars and pretenders and manipulators. Because I can cry and eat a pint of ice cream and say 'fuck boys' and then get over it. It's much harder to get over someone who at one point cared for me. And I'm not even sure if I know how but I'll do my best. I thought maybe that closure was the answer. But I don't even think this idea of closure even exists.

"Closure" is just a term created by people so they can ask the same questions over and over hoping that someday they might get a different answer. I don't need any answers. I never really understood why you didn't want me anymore, and perhaps I never will, but that doesn't really matter. Because the fact is that you didn't want me anymore. And all I can do is accept that. And I do, I accept that. I'm not going to forget about you. That's not my goal here. My goal is to be able to look back on everything objectively and remember the things I learned about myself and the things I learned about people and life without feeling the pain that goes a long with these kinds of things.

So finally, this is me moving on. This is me wishing you well in whatever you pursue. This is me wishing you joy and happiness. And to one day, perhaps, being friends.

so I inactive you


The love you had for your ex isn’t the same as with someone new, each love is different. I think the love is just “inactive”; you can’t delete someone you truly loved. It’s almost like a facebook account, you can just inactivate your account, never delete it. If you want to and the time is right you can recreate it, but the pages have changed and so have you.

I really thought you were the love of my life. And perhaps in the future, we can be together again. So I inactivate you, try to bury my feelings for you. Because right know we're not right for each other.

forever yours.

Dear Heart


Dear Heart,
You’re weird. First you gave love a chance, loving the wrong person for so long. You gave it all you had and let yourself open without thinking that you’ll ever get hurt and for two long years, you loved with all you had even though you knew that the other heart did not love you as much. You kept loving and loving, hoping that you & the other heart will meet half way. Then the time actually came … the time where you got hurt. Not just a short amount of hurt; you were hurt for half a year. For half a year … you were completely broken & shattered. So broken that everybody noticed it. You didn’t want to give love a chance again; never again. Why would you give love another chance when you have gone through so much bullshit and lies? One of my old friends once said to me “He ripped out your heart; stepped all over it, crushing it to pieces and then just left it there without even cleaning it up” and honestly; I’m very sorry. So so so so so sorry that I put you through so much hurt & pain. That is why I kept you locked up. I was never going to put you through more pain. So when this new guy came in my life, I kept you locked up even though you kept telling me to go for it while my head kept telling me “no” because I wanted to keep you protected. But you kept trying to come out and over power my mind. So after all the things you’ve been through you still wanted to open up to this new guy, which amazed me. He must be something special if you wanted to give love another try just for this one new guy. Then finally, you over-powered my mind. I listened to you rather then my head. I’m glad I did listen to you heart because I can honestly say that I am truly happy and I feel as if you are healed. You are so much better. You helped me turn from that bitter heart broken girl to this happy smiling girl. After that six months, you decided that you’ll give love another chance. Thank you because I have a good feeling about this guy. A very good feeling. Thank you for telling me to go for him. I’m so happy because even though I put you through so much pain, hurt, tears, bullshit, lies, and torture, you are still willing to give love another chance.

when my friends told me " there's someone loves you out there"


I still love you. damn it


December 2010

It happened two weeks ago, yet it seems like it happened just yesterday. I had planned to propose moving in together in two weeks, but before I could do that, you left me. Never before have I been hurt that bad. I can't fall asleep anymore, I find it so damn difficult to concentrate on anything.

For the first four or so days I was shocked. I wondered if you ever really loved me. We were together for over 5months, yet you dumped my by sending me a text message. Yes, a damned text message. I should be angry, I should be furious. I want to be mad at you. But I simply can't. I keep wishing for a bloody time machine so I could just roll back everything we've done and said to each other. I just want you back - I still love you.
I try to think of everything bad that happened between us - I try to cling onto all the bad memories that we shared. And then I suddenly realise - I even miss those. I miss all our fights, I miss how we used to kiss and make up.  I wanted to grow old together. I wanted to give you my life and in exchange I only asked for your love.

The day before yesterday was Christmas Eve. I spent it alone. If things were different, we would have celebrated our decision to move in together that night. But things weren't different. I just can't stand it anymore.

I promised to love you forever, no matter how naive that sounds. And I was going to hold up to that promise. And no matter what - I still will.

I still love you, damn it.

I'll wait



the day, "I GIVE UP" and "QUIT"


2011.

A new year, a new beginning, a fresh start and change, four things most and many people say. Thing is when it comes around... it’s just the same old thing, just a different day in a different year, and your still there, in my memories, in my heart. You were my first love.

I did start too believe that I was over you... Things were going good, I was somewhat a little happier than I have been in weeks.

Then you have to text me.... you said ‘happy new year, hope you get all you deserve x’ doesn’t sound a big deal, I know, but to me it is, the last time we spoke you was awful to me,

I was horrible back and we left it at that, and then you text me, it bought memories, feelings and heartache back to the surface.

I wish you never texted me, because I realised that I actually aren’t fully over you and I’m starting to hate the fact that I do miss you, I don’t want to miss you anymore.
You have hurt me so much... you pushed me out of your life like I wasn’t worth it, carried on to crush me into little pieces each day, and you just didn’t have a care in the world.

You promised me our future, you promised you would never leave me, you promised that you would never hurt me, but you broke them promises as quick as you made them.

Guess i was just silly to believe them.
So even though part of me does still love you, and part of me probably always will... right now i just can’t bring myself to forgive you. I’m sorry.
Sometimes, I wish things was different between us, that we made it through our problems, that i grabbed our last shot at being happy, that i didn’t let you go but it’s too late now.

I’m starting to believe that we are better off apart, plus you have a new girlfriend, you told me yourself and I said I didn’t care...

Truth is saying I didn’t care was so much easier then admitting that I’m hurt.

Me and you, us, doesn’t exist anymore, they say everything happens for a reason, so maybe we are better off apart and this is for the best.

I want you to know and i hope you do know, that I did love you, I really did, with everything I had, it was always just you, you had my heart, just you.

I tried so hard at times, i know i should of tried all the time, but you should of done as well, we both gave up on each other in the end. I am sorry.

How do you get over someone?




I want you, i need you, i choose you -- over any other boy in the world, i'd choose you over & over again. your name, your face, your smell, the soft curls of your hair.. i miss those already. i miss you so much & you haven't been gone 4 hours. but this time, i know you're gone for good.

i loved you, my dearest. my favourite shit-stirring, petty, jealous, overprotective, violent & ferocious beast. i loved you to death. i loved your madness, i loved you even when you were angry. & that was often. i knew you were ridiculous, i knew you were too much. my friends all thought so too. but i knew inside that you could be controlled, and only i could handle you. you were a thunderstorm, a tornado, a bolt of lightning that only i could soothe. strong, hard & sweaty, you would hammer your point across no matter how painful & trying it was. begging & pleading with me to change, to do something, to change something for you, to give something up.. but i never ever did.

you were the typical emotional abuser: frequently upset about my clothes, my work, my friends, my choices in life.. but i felt it was because every little detail about me mattered to you. you wanted to protect me from everything & keep me close to you, & i knew it was only because you were afraid. you were afraid to lose me because you loved me with the kind of love that is dying in this world. to you, i was irreplaceable. i was precious. i was special. & for you, no other girl existed. in our whole 3 years together, you never once mentioned any other girl being so much as good-looking. you respected me, you never once made me jealous. you cared for me, you lived for me, you planned your life around us. to you, i was the world.

yet to me, you were an option. because you were so devoted, i always took you for granted. always the independent kind, i lived my life the way i wanted & hoped you would accept it. i would decide on something regardless of your feelings, &, hurt, you would argue about it. i'm talking screaming, yelling, chasing, strangling. but it would blow over & we'd be laughing, kissing, cuddling, fucking again as if nothing ever happened. this was how we went on. day after day, week after week.. it was perfect. i loved the thrill, the adrenaline kept us going. we were fiesty together, always roaring, always laughing, always fucking hard. we'd quarrel only because it made us feel so much each other. it brought us closer, it made us seamless -- worked up in a frenzied passion only we could understand. but like all good things in life -- alcohol, cigarettes & cream cakes.. it just wasn't healthy.

i loved you so, so much. i loved how you fought with me, for me. i loved how you hurt. how to you i was the constant & the world, a variable. no matter how filthy i was & how differently diseased, you never ever gave up on me. girls would cry because their guys never wanted to work things out. they were insensitive, they never wanted to talk. i cried because you always wanted to work things out. sometimes when we'd argue, i felt you'd never give in. but you'd always give in, you'd always forgive me & accept me for who i am. you are only so hard, so thorny & so angry because it's just a means to protect yourself & your delicate little heart. when you weren't angry, you were the most gentle, selfless & loving boy God ever created.

but i can see now that your demands were too much. you are excessively jealous & overbearing. & this morning, on the first day of the near year, you went overboard in your violence. you made me angry. i made you angry. i used to tell myself it was different expression of love.. but fuck that, it's not love. it's not hot. it's not steamy. it's not right. you did something you shouldn't have done, & now it's over for the last time. but how i love you still. i want you, i need you.. my soul has never known anyone this well before. i want you so, so bad. my best friend, my worst enemy, my stalking killer, my comforter & protector.. they're all you.

it's better off this way. i need to hide you in a box & free you, safe where i can't harm you.

but how do you get over someone whom you've planned the rest of your life with?